In this guest post, Knoxville midwife and IBCLC Rebekah Mustaleski shares why so many new parents feel lonely after their baby arrives, what she's doing about it in her new business The Bunnyhive, and her favorite Knoxville places to find your own village.
And if you're anything like I was as a new mom, you've probably looked around and wondered: Okay...but where do I find this village?
Becoming a mom was something I dreamed about from the time I was little. I remember feeling this deep longing and like I was continually waiting, just waiting for my babies to be born. When I finally gave birth to my first baby, I was relieved, thankful and just so happy to be holding this little person I'd thought about for so long. It truly felt like a dream come true! So you can imagine my confusion in the months that followed when I started to feel...less happy. It wasn't postpartum depression and it wasn't anything I could say was wrong and I often wondered if I was making something out of nothing.
The truth is, in the middle of living the dream I'd always hoped for, I was lonely. Which made absolutely no sense to me at the time. I was with my baby all day long and this was exactly what I had wanted! But none of my friends at the time had babies and I had gone from having a full-time job and daily interaction with other adults to spending most of my days alone with a tiny human who slept, cried, ate and pooped. I didn't even have the words to explain what I was feeling, but it wasn't what I expected.
Years later, I found out what I had been feeling as a new mom wasn't unusual at all.
I've spent the last 15 years working with families as a midwife and I've heard many versions of this story over and over again. The transition into parenthood can be beautiful and deeply wanted—and still be really hard. For many new parents, having a baby changes their life almost overnight. Work, friendships, routines, and opportunities for casual adult interaction suddenly disappear. And while the baby snuggles are really magical, the reality is you can spend your entire day with another human being whom you love completely and still feel incredibly alone at the end of the day. We're fortunate to have technology that lets us text a friend or find other parents online at 2 a.m, but being connected virtually isn't always the same thing as having people you see and talk to in person.
Research increasingly recognizes loneliness and social isolation as important pieces of parental and postpartum mental health. Social support and peer connection have been associated with better emotional well-being during the transition to parenthood. That doesn't mean community replaces professional mental health care when it's needed—it absolutely doesn't. But having people who know your name, places where you're expected, and other parents who can say, “Oh, mine does that too,” can be a meaningful part of feeling supported. In my work as a midwife, one of the things I saw over and over was that families were surrounded by support during pregnancy and then weren't quite sure where to go after their baby was born. Prenatal and postpartum care could be incredibly personal and nurturing, but eventually that last postpartum appointment came. Then what?
That question is one of the things that drew me to becoming the owner of The Bunny Hive and why it means so much to me. Yes, we have music classes, sensory play, art, member events and activities designed for little ones. But I've come to see that the most important things happening at The Bunny Hive aren't actually on the class schedule. It's conversations happening before class starts, like one mom supporting another who is going through a hard time with their family. It's someone remembering your child's name and having somewhere to go on a Tuesday morning when the walls of your house are starting to close in. It's walking through the door after a terrible morning and knowing you don't have to pretend you have it all together.
The classes might be what get you out of the house, but the community is what makes you want to come back.
And thankfully, The Bunny Hive isn't the only place creating opportunities for people to connect in Knoxville. If you're in the baby and toddler years and wondering where to start finding your village, here are a few places I love:
The Bunny Hive is a space designed for little ones ages 2 weeks to 5 years and their grownups. We offer developmental classes, member events and seasonal pop-ups, but our bigger goal is creating a place where families can build real relationships. Come for music class or sensory play, stay for the person who's happy to see you when you walk through the door.
If you're looking for people to walk and work out with, this is a great place to start. Fit4Mom has built a lovely community of parents who gather for movement, fresh air and time together—often at Lakeshore Park.
Sometimes you don't need a big plan. You just need a reason to get dressed and leave the house! The Hive offers story times featuring guest readers and local authors, giving parents and little ones an easy, low-pressure outing.
Take a stroller-friendly walk, wear your baby on one of the trails, or explore the critters inside the visitor center. Getting outside can be a welcome change of scenery on a long day at home, and Ijams gives you plenty to explore together.
Good coffee, a welcoming atmosphere and indoor and outdoor seating make Camp Honey an easy place to meet another parent and actually have an adult conversation—even if that conversation gets interrupted 47 times.
The village many of us imagined we'd have when we became parents doesn't always just appear. Sometimes we have to build it. That might mean sending the awkward “Want to get coffee?” text. It might mean showing up to a class where you don't know anyone...yet. It might mean introducing yourself to the parent sitting next to you even though making new friends as an adult feels strangely like dating. But little by little, familiar faces become acquaintances and then acquaintances become friends and eventually you walk into a place and are welcomed by the joyful smile of someone who is genuinely happy to see you.
And maybe that's how you find your village these days.
Written by Rebekah Mustaleski, CPM, IBCLC, MPH
About FLOW: Feeding a new baby is often a big part of what makes the postpartum season feel hard, and FLOW | Tennessee's Center for Breastfeeding Medicine is here to be part of your village. Our physician-led practice in Knoxville cares for parent and baby together, whether you're facing breastfeeding challenges or simply want support along the way. We are also a donor milk depot and pick-up site in partnership with the Mother's Milk Bank of Tennessee. Reach out — we would love to help.
